There’s a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes
From the places she’s wandered, and the shame she can’t hide
I had a meltdown in Peru.
Few people know everything that happened. Actually, what I’m about to share here is more than I’ve ever told anyone. It happened last debrief, when we were in Lima, but it was a series of issues that had been building for sometime. There are still some things I can’t/won’t talk about (one thing, actually), but I will say it stems back to the prophecy I received in Bolivia. And, ultimately, it’s the issue that led me to fast from Facebook for forty days and then do the three-day no food/no water fast in Ecuador.
There’ve been times I’ve struggled on the Race. This mission is challenging, and the Lord begins stretching each person almost immediately. But after four full months of stretching and breaking, stretching and breaking, I somehow managed to reach yet another major breaking point.
When I broke, I broke hard. I failed to lean into God, to rest in His Strength, and I crumbled.
She says, “How did I get here? I’m not who I once was.
“And I’m crippled by the fear that I’ve fallen too far to love.”
Have you ever felt unworthy?
Unworthy of love, blessings, a joyful life, a husband/wife, children? I have. And even though my life has been dramatically different since I met Jesus (literally, like flipping on a great big light switch), that doesn’t mean all my problems vanished as soon as I received Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I still had issues to work through, and ridding my heart of the shame I had carried around for so long was one of those issues. It hasn’t always been easy. Calling it quits was tempting, and I came close to giving in a couple of times.
“It’s too hard,” I’ve cried out to Jesus. “I can’t do it…I don’t want this anymore!”
Well she tries to believe it, that she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling that it’s not true tonight
It was seven in the morning when I had that moment in Peru. I was sitting at the bus station in Lima, waiting to climb aboard the bus that would take us to Ecuador. As I sat there, silent tears pouring down my cheeks, all I could think about was how badly I’d messed up with the prophecy situation. I started criticizing myself, taking myself down a destructive path of self-condemnation.
Shame bubbled up from deep inside my heart. My thoughts spiraled, sliding deeper into this chasm I didn’t even realize still existed in me. But God realized. And He knew just how deep the darkness of that chasm ran.
He wanted me to face it so I could overcome it.
Cheeks moist, I tipped my head back and closed my teary eyes. Holy Spirit was moving, and I watched His beautiful, violet Light wash across the backs of my eyelids. Then He showed me something, a vision He’s only shown me a handful of times:
Jesus on the Cross.
This is NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE, but WHAT’S BEEN DONE FOR YOU
My heart swelled. The tears that fell next weren’t for me. They were for my Hero, my Savior, the One who chose to suffer so that I could be free. He lifted His head in agony, and as the painful flashes of His crucifixion continued, the gut-wrenching heartache I had been feeling died away. It died, right there with Him on the Cross.
I felt total and complete peace. He took it. He bought my suffering with His own. I had no choice but to turn it over to Him. Because…
This is NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL, but
WHAT HE’S DONE TO FORGIVE YOU
I sometimes wonder what people think when I tell them, “Jesus loves you!” The concept of “love” has become so skewed, and I don’t think people understand exactly what it means for Jesus to love us. I certainly didn’t. Even after I chose to follow Christ, it took a long time to comprehend that God could love us so wholly, even through our rejection of Him, even through our deepest, darkest sins.
He loved us first. He loved us when we hated him. It’s just His nature. He loves like no one else because He isn’t like anyone else. That’s why He sent His Holy Spirit to live in us: to advocate for us, to convict us, and—in this case—to comfort us.
“You Are More” by Tenth Avenue North has been Holy Spirit’s song to me for a while. I only just discovered it in May, when we were doing ministry at Mano y Mano in Ecuador. But even before that, whenever I was sad, He always wanted me to realize:
Don’t you know who you are,
what has been done for you?
And when He showed me Jesus on the Cross at that bus station in Peru, that was His way of saying:
You are MORE than the choices that you’ve made
You are MORE than the sum of your past mistakes
You are MORE than the problems you create
You’ve been REMADE
So these are the words Holy Spirit sings to me. Maybe He’s singing them to you, too. Check out Tenth Avenue North’s video for “You Are More” here:
Or click here: http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=9E0F1MNU
Jesus is Lord. Amen
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
