Bolivia, Month 3 of the World Race. I had a dream I’ve always wanted to share on here but never have – mainly because it was so deeply personal, but also because it was very intense and quite troubling. . . .
***
I can see myself from a short distance away – I’m in the presence of angels. They don’t look like angels, though. They look like Secret Service agents in black suits and dark sunglasses. They are walking to and fro, busy, working. They are head and shoulders above me, and never once do they look at me.
Focused. They are extraordinarily focused, just like Secret Service agents would be.
The scene cuts, and I’m now inside some type of carriage. The perspective is my own again – I’m no longer seeing myself from afar but through my own eyes.
The angels are still around, but they are outside the carriage, and they are no longer Secret Service agents. Curtains cover the windows; through a narrow slit in one of the curtains, I can just make out the feathered wing of one of the angels.
There are several of these angelic beings around the carriage. They are carrying it, in fact. I can feel their presence and the movement of the carriage under me.
Suddenly, I realize they are carrying me into the presence of the the Lord.
HOLY.
That is the word that comes to mind – that singular word – to describe how His presence feels. It is awesome and terrifying, and it is absolutely pure. So pure, my human flesh can’t handle it.
I feel a crushing weight come upon me that isn’t exactly physical but is. It feels physical, yet there’s nothing physically touching me or falling on me.
And it isn’t just a feeling of something coming “upon me,” either. It’s a feeling from within, as well, an invisible weight that is crushing me internally AND externally.
So hard to describe. So powerful, so real. And yet so hard to explain with mere words.
I’m still being carried at this point – the carriage is still moving – when I abruptly remember one thing from my past:
ABORTION.
I’ve never had an abortion, but I was pro-choice most of my life and had always encouraged women to get abortions. I drove a girl to get an abortion once, and even after seeing her breakdown and weep afterward, I remained pro-choice, encouraging her and others to get abortions.
I took the morning-after pill twice, too, to avoid getting pregnant. I always promised in my heart that I would get an abortion if ever I got pregnant, but the morning-after pill was cheaper and easier than an abortion, so it was preferable.
All of this comes to my mind in an instant…and then I realize what’s really happening: God’s holiness isn’t what’s crushing me. It’s the weight of my sin, the weight of the sin God was bringing to my remembrance. I’m feeling it because I’m now in His pure and holy presence.
I feel the darkness of it because I’m now in the presence of Pure Light.
I feel the death of it because I’m now in the presence of One who is True Life.
I feel the sickening nature of it because I’m now in the presence of Him who is Flawless and Eternal.
The weight is so inescapably horrible now my flesh can’t bear it any longer. I begin clawing at myself, tearing at my clothes in despair. Something deep inside me swells up – Truth in its purist form.
THE GOSPEL.
The Gospel says that all people are evil and are condemned to hell, and that without the saving power of the blood of Jesus Christ, we are subject to an eternal destiny that is so bad there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Although I have confessed these things to be true, I have never really believed them way deep down in my heart. I mean, in my heart, I just can’t believe that I had done anything in my life that would warrant eternal punishment.
I had made mistakes in life.
I was sorry for them.
I paid for them…right?
This is the story for many. But the truth is, we CAN’T pay for our sins. The wages of sin is death, and we simply do not have the ability to pay off so high a debt. Only One can pay that debt for us.
The Son of God.
I know all of this but until this moment I hadn’t really understood it deep down. In this moment, while I’m being carried into the presence of a Holy and Awesome God, I suddenly and FULLY understand the weight of just one of my sins.
Just one single sin out of many.
As the weight of that sin became unbearably heavy, as I clawed at myself under the crushing weight that seemed to come from all around and inside my very being, the truth swelled up and peeled out of me in a terrifying scream:
“I REALLY DO DESERVE TO GO TO HEEEEEEELLLLLL!”
***
And then I woke up.
